War

“Smile you fool !”

Your inner self screams as you fight back the tears. You manage the biggest smile you dare to show as you watch your reflection in that awful mirror.

“Its a lie… Its all a big lie !, You know what you have done to achieve that goal! You aren’t to blame!”

You look in the mirror seeing no difference. “Its been four whole weeks.” you whisper to the walls. You trained and even cut back on your food intake.

“Why…?”

Tears roll down your cheeks as you stare into this unfamiliar face. When , where, how… why?

Your self image has always been an issue, but not until you really hit that all time low. You know you are going to change back to how it all was before, but you can’t help but cry at the possibility that it won’t ever happen. You are at war with yourself.

“Positive, stay positive this is all going to change..”

“When ? How long do you have to keep pushing yourself? Sweating and training like mad?”

“No ! These things … They take time…”

Your losing the battle in your head. You can feel yourself slowly fading as you slip to the floor, crying.

The days when your own mind is your worst enemy never last long and you know you’re going to be fine tomorrow, you just have to get through today. Even though you are ashamed at how things turned out, you still somewhere find the strength to get up and go to practice. Sweating your heart out, feeling like a winner at the end of each session. Yes, the world inside your head is dark and you sometimes lose sight of the light, but you keep fighting,even when you can’t. You refuse to give in. You refuse to let the darkness consume you. You smile, you laugh, you live.

You look up as you sit on the floor still in front of that mirror. You smile, Yes ! You smile.

“Come on get up! You need to get to practice”

You take one last glance at the reflection.

“Soon…” You whisper as you leave to get ready.

~ This is one of the many ways I sometimes fight with myself. Yes, I am half mad and Yes, I do talk to myself a lot ! I am not ashamed to admit that ! ~

Till next time…

Xoxo

Nomster Lady

 

 

 

 

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Something New

Learning something new is fun. I love to learn and discover new and exciting things. Its something I’ve always loved. Don’t get me wrong … I only love to learn about new things I do not appreciate the study or examination part. For that I can be to lazy.

So now in the University holidays I decided to try learning a new language. I know you can’t learn it within 3 weeks but hey! Why not ?

So I decided to try and learn Korean. I know I know … Whyyyy ? To answer this question… I really don’t know. It started with ” I want to learn it to understand kpop better” And it ended with “I want to learn it, because I know its going to be a challenge and I love a challenge.”

So that’s exactly what I am trying to do this holiday. Last week I learned the whole alphabet and the sound change rules and this week the challenge is to start with the vocabulary. When they said Korean or Hangul is one of the most difficult languages to learn they weren’t joking. Its really hard.

But I do enjoy it. Yes I am still a bit in the dark and it does feel like I have no Idea what I’m doing But I know it will get better. I even have this strange Idea in my head that I want to go to Korea one day.

This is my holiday challenge… What’s yours ?

Till next time

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

 

Rock Bottom

How do you know you have reached rock bottom ? I’m not talking about financially I’m talking about emotionally.

How much can one person take before their in trouble…? Does it depend on the person itself or is there a general limit ? It’s really hard to pin point. Then there’s the question if its even possible to hit rock bottom… These are question which can have a different answer every time one asks them. And that’s heartbreaking.

With a different answer each time, how can you help someone in need? Someone at “rock bottom”. Let me ask you this… Have you ever felt so demotivated, so emotionally drained that you don’t or rather can’t believe in you no more ? I get that everyone goes through rough times and its bad, but part of life. But when the sea of life consume you what do you do ? How do one bounce back from a deep fall?

I’ve been in a place once where the thing that was consuming me became my obsession. I was constantly on the look out for ways that can take this obsession away, and without realizing it I made it a very big problem.

I knew what to do to avoid it. Just like a drug addict that knows the signs, but ignore it. I ignored it. That was my rock bottom. No, I WAS MY OWN ROCK BOTTOM.

Now the question still stand , How do you help someone that can’t even convey emotions properly anymore ? How do you help ? And no, simply talking DOES NOT WORK !

Can you help them or should you just give them the right tools so they can get out on their own ?

So many questions… Yet no answers…

I truly hope you never reach a point where you can’t even smile no more.

Till next time

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

Taking back my life.

Does University change people ? Does it really?… or does the time away from home force you to grow up.

I’ve been paying close attention to myself and I’ve realize that some things about me has changed indeed. I’ve grown up. I’m not the same girl I was back in school. Responsibilities, trying to sort out my social live( If I still have one), trying to be a grown-up.

All these factors contribute to who I am today. My family recently came for a visit and its during this time that I saw this ‘other’ me… I got irritated sooooo easily by little things I use to enjoy. The only question that I still can’t answer is “When did things change?”

How did I not see this? I live with myself everyday and I never even noticed. I know it must sound really stupid, but I should have been the first to see the changes in myself… Then again the other question that still stands is, Did I change for the better or not ?

All these questions and yet I have zero answers to them. This is why I never wanted to grow up. All this grown-up stuff is really exhausting. I have gained respect for the people who can handle the grown-up part of this world, but as far as I go… I’m not ready so I’ll just quietly remain a child on the inside.

As for the ‘University that change people’ part… I’m going to change back. I really don’t like the new me. She’s way to scary and no fun.

Did you change after school?

Do you miss the old you like I do?

What to do…

Till next time

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

Life at this stage

Life can be strange indeed. I find it strange how life works. One minute you feel in complete control and then life happens.

I had one of these moments recently. Seeing someone you love go from Happy to broken within minutes, it takes a piece of you. It can break you. Watching them break and you can do absolutely nothing to help them. Staying strong and being their pillar while you yourself are hardly coping, that takes a hell of a lot of control over your emotions.

Now DON’T get me wrong I’m not trying take the light of the real story and I’m not trying to put myself in the spotlight. I’m just elaborating on my emotions and how an outsider feels in situations like this. I felt helpless. Like I lived 19 years, but I learned absolutely nothing at all on how to comfort someone in need.

I was usually the one person who always listened to others. I lend my ears to those who needed to talk. I always kept everything to myself for they weren’t my stories to tell. But each time I do lend them out or watch someone close break it takes a piece of you with.

I needed ears at this particular time. I usually confided in my brothers (not blood related). And as much as it hurts to say this out loud, they weren’t there this time. Although I have to admit I didn’t tell them “Hey, I really need an ear right now” I literally just told them I missed them a lot.

After this I got even worse news of a friend that passed away and another that went to hospital with oil burns. So back to the emotional control… I broke.

Luckily I was alone in my room when I cracked. Unfortunately my mother was on the phone with me.

Life can through you any curve ball at anytime and yes life will knock you down. But what matters is how you get up from it and move on.

We’ll please don’t make assumption on this matter for its really personal but I had to get it out there.

Till next time…

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

 

Step two ~ And action !

This is the part where I’m suppose to tell everybody how easy its going to be to go back to where I was before I lost control of my entire existence… Well guess what… That’s not going to happen.

I forgot how hard I worked to get where I was. Every ounce of sweat I lost during training. Working towards what I thought perfection was. Now that I’m sort of back to square one, I realize what idiot I really am. The countless hour I spend at our school gym, training to be … “perfect” was all for not. And yes that’s a Brave reference.

Every challenge I’ve put my body through was a waste. I’m not saying it was bad, what I mean is I worked so hard to achieve something just to loose it all in the end.

So what now? NOW the real challenge begins. Taking action but still dealing with lives little challenges. The university really took me by surprise and I’m still adjusting, but now I’ve had enough. Now the challenge is to figure out the balance I need to be successful on both platforms. Its not going to be easy, this is more than a fact, but in order for me to achieve my end goal I need this. Starting tomorrow morning I’m changing everything. I’m taking back my life.

If you don’t believe in me… DO let me know… I love a challenge

Oh, one more thing… I ain’t gonna lose !

Till next time

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

Step 1~ Problem

So what’s the perks of university if you struggle to make time for everything? Some things you just start “not” doing.

For instance taking care of yourself. You don’t eat probably or healthy. You don’t always exercise and you start losing interest in other things you use to love like reading for instance. Yes, some people actually still find time for all these thing, but people like me… don’t.

So what am I getting at? Yes, I’ve gained weight. AND Yes I’m not happy about it. I love looking after my body and when it slips like it did I get very very very upset about it and I get VERY self-conscious. I start comparing myself with others and I literally go looking for fault in my appearance.

Luckily I’ve been in this place before and I trust in myself to get my ass back to where I was and maybe even further. It still doesn’t change the fact that I am very disappionted in myself…

Now, what’s my plan of action… To be completely honest I don’t really know at this point. But I will find something soon. My life will go back to when I was fit and healthy. So if you see my post less and less pictures of myself you know why.

One of my biggest challenges will be staying motivated to change. I’m that type of person that looses hope quickly if I don’t see results quickly. AND above all my body works in a strange way, I don’t lose weight easily and that gets to me the most. But I’ll keep you posted ! Wish me luck

What’s your take on the subject of weight ?

till next time…

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

Groups in the Human race.

People are weird things to observe. I know I’m one of them, but you really get weird one’s.

Sitting in class, waiting for the Lecture you see a lot of different characters. You get the studying type, emphasizing the DYING part. They always sit, constantly preparing for whatever test or assessments are due next.

You get the gamers. These people are unique. They play on their phones constantly. No jokes! Every single class… I don’t know how they can even pass. Then you get the layed back type. You can see they just want to get the hell out of the class.

The chatty group is hard to miss! Their usually extra loud. Making sure to draw attention to themselves. Then there are those brave souls, the male species that only hangs around the opposite sex. No other male in sight, like a male lion around his pride of lionesses. Lastly you get the loners. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with them. In fact I sometimes get the feeling that their perfectly fine with themselves and they don’t need anybody to boost their confidence. Their just isolated from the rest of the human race.

It’s funny how you can group people by their actions alone. I sometimes wonder in what category I sometimes fall. Do I even fit into one of these groups… Maybe ,maybe not

What group do you prefer ?

Till next time

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

Struggle

It’s okay to feel like a complete failure. I know its apart of life and we as humans have to deal with it. Sometimes I wonder what’s worse, failing others or failing yourself.

I’m the type of person who can work under pressure. I function better that way, but one of my many flaws is the fact that I put a lot of pressure on myself to do as well as my mind possibly can. Reason for this to be characterized as a flaw is the disappointment that follows when I don’t meet these high expectations.

At school level I did pretty well. Usually got the highest marks in the class, the go-to girl if you need help. It was just one of those gifts I received. Yes I still had to put in work to achieve this standard but luckily for me I can remember well, meaning I just had to revise my work. NEVER learn it.

Being at University its quit a different story. I’m struggling to just “know” the work. I learn for hours on end just to pass. Coming from the comfort I had in high school its something I still need to get use to. When my marks doesn’t look high enough for me I struggle to find the motivation to keep going.

That’s just it, isn’t it? You can’t do anything else but move on. You have to keep going. Again I’ll repeat myself, I cope through music. It keeps me motivated when I feel down and like a failure inside. I’m not gonna lie, Its hard … It really is. I expected University to be difficult but I never knew it brings you down to earth in such a fashion.

Maybe I just need a break…

Till next time

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤

Forever young

The eldest of seven brothers had a problem. Refusing to grow up, he created a virtual world where he would stay young for as long as he can. You see he was jealous of his younger brothers, for they where all still ‘child-like’ in a way he could only dream of.

But soon his perfect world started to turn dark. His six brothers started loosing control. One fell into depression and when away to hospital. One ended up murdering his own father for abusing his sister. One tried to stay normal by taking a job he hated. One took pills and would occasionally pass out, no matter the location. One took to the streets seeking out trouble, he to ended up in hospital beaten to near death. And his last brother took to Alcohol becoming violent towards the other brothers.

He didn’t know what to do to save his brothers from themselves. All he could do was watch them fall into the darkness he created. When he finally realized this was all in this head he saw the reality he was creating.

You see his escape to his ‘perfect’ world made him distant. His brothers lost their older brother to jealousy. He pushed them away nearly to the point of no return. His younger brother, though, told him one valuable lesson:

“Even though our bodies can’t keep up just remember we are as young as we dare to feel. You don’t have to grow old on the inside as well, my brother.”

Taking his brothers advice he began living like there’s no tomorrow. He shared his happiness with his brothers. He stopped worrying about what can happen and started worrying about the here and now.  He started Living.

How much time do you spend worrying about tomorrow, forgetting about the here and now? Distancing yourself because of unnecessary thoughts will push your most dearest away. Live in the moment! Go out and be as young as you dare to feel. Don’t grow old alongside your body.

Till next time

Xoxo

Nomster Lady ❤