“Smile you fool !”
Your inner self screams as you fight back the tears. You manage the biggest smile you dare to show as you watch your reflection in that awful mirror.
“Its a lie… Its all a big lie !, You know what you have done to achieve that goal! You aren’t to blame!”
You look in the mirror seeing no difference. “Its been four whole weeks.” you whisper to the walls. You trained and even cut back on your food intake.
Tears roll down your cheeks as you stare into this unfamiliar face. When , where, how… why?
Your self image has always been an issue, but not until you really hit that all time low. You know you are going to change back to how it all was before, but you can’t help but cry at the possibility that it won’t ever happen. You are at war with yourself.
“Positive, stay positive this is all going to change..”
“When ? How long do you have to keep pushing yourself? Sweating and training like mad?”
“No ! These things … They take time…”
Your losing the battle in your head. You can feel yourself slowly fading as you slip to the floor, crying.
The days when your own mind is your worst enemy never last long and you know you’re going to be fine tomorrow, you just have to get through today. Even though you are ashamed at how things turned out, you still somewhere find the strength to get up and go to practice. Sweating your heart out, feeling like a winner at the end of each session. Yes, the world inside your head is dark and you sometimes lose sight of the light, but you keep fighting,even when you can’t. You refuse to give in. You refuse to let the darkness consume you. You smile, you laugh, you live.
You look up as you sit on the floor still in front of that mirror. You smile, Yes ! You smile.
“Come on get up! You need to get to practice”
You take one last glance at the reflection.
“Soon…” You whisper as you leave to get ready.
~ This is one of the many ways I sometimes fight with myself. Yes, I am half mad and Yes, I do talk to myself a lot ! I am not ashamed to admit that ! ~
Till next time…